Committed Couples and Poverty

Poverty is Real around the World

Last night at the monthly meeting of the Organizational Development Network of Cincinnati we heard two great guys from City Cure of Cincinnati talk about poverty. They mentioned that the city of Cincinnati has one of the highest percentages of persons living in poverty in the US. WOW!

When we think of poverty the first thing that comes to mind is a lack of money. That is only part of the problem. The definition offered by Barry Baker of City Cure was broader and more helpful. Chronic Poverty is a "Chronic lack of resources" such as finances, education, emotional balance, supportive relationships, spiritual support, etc. Without all of these resources finances will not last long.

Go to my Brave Heart Blog for the rest of this information.

(See http://garysweetenblogspotcom.blogspot.com/)

The state and federal grants that led us to post this blog have ended and so I am placing the blog on hiatus. I will continue to write on Brave Heart and http://seasonedbelievers.blogspot.com

Dr. Phil and Hope

My wife told me that the famous, and very wealthy, Dr. Phil had a couple on his TV show this week who was having some serious problems in their marriage. Phil, in his usual confident manner, said: "I can tell in just a few minutes of an interview whether there is any hope for a couple. "

Phil proceeded to tell the couple, and the entire world, that the signs of a hopeless marriage are simple: Personal attacks that include Criticism and Contempt.

Phil was partially correct, Criticism and Contempt along with acting like a stone wall and withdrawing into a cold shell, are usually of a divorce train a coming. However, Phil failed to mention that such marriages can be saved and healed if a couple will work hard in good faith.

He also forgot to mention that the signs of divorce he was quoting came from Dr. John Gottman's research. Gottman's materials are those we referenced in our June training in Clermont County, Ohio. That is the DVD we are giving away for the asking.

Why is Phil acting so hopeless? Why are so many secular therapists feeling so helpless about helping people in trouble? Now the American Psychological Association even says it is wrong to help a man or woman who wants to change his/her sexual compulsions.

Why are they feeling so helpless and hopeless when we know people can change? We know that counseling actually works in most cases. We see evidence of changed lives daily.

So, don't give up. If you are having conflict with someone you love, get a counselor, social worker or psychologist. You can also get our DVD and read our books. Don't give up!

Free Video on DVD

We video taped the two presentations in June for Committed Couples and last week a friend, Karl Metzler, finished up his volunteer work of placing all nine sessions on DVDs. He did a terrific job by designing a beautiful package and placing the Power Point Slides on the last DVD.

These can be used for your own information about how to have a healthy relationship or put it in the DVD player and use it to teach a small group. If you are a church volunteer, small group leader, Pastor or educator you will find them very provocative and useful. Each session is about 20 to 25 minutes.

If you would like to have one write me at gsweeten@cinci.rr.com

Listen Up!

I did a doctorate in the Sixties and Seventies graduating in 1975. Even back then the leaders of the counseling professions like Carl Rogers were saying that listening well was the key to being a good or great counselor.

But that seemed unlikely because most of the books and classes I took emphasized how much I was supposed to know about the theories of psychology and human development.But, when researchers started doing what is called, "Outcome Studies" and discovered that Dr. Rogers and Dr. Carkhuff were right.

I became convinced that the ways we treat people are more important than what we know about people. As the old saying goes, "People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care." The outcome research made a lot of sense to me so I did a lot of reading and discovered that the key to good marriages, good parenting, good sales, good pastoral care, good management, good leadership and good living was also good listening and good caring.

Listening with love and understanding are not just for the pros. Everybody can grow and learn to relate better by learning the simple skills of listening. Why not order my book, Listening for Heaven's Sake from www.amazon.com

Just type in Gary Sweeten and see all the titles that come up. Buy one of the books and write me what you think. We have just published a version of Listening in Russia to join those published in Sweden, Norway and Denmark. All told we hav sold over 250,000 copies world wide.

Social Skills for Children and Youth

The Future Welfare of the nation depends upon the education and welfare of our families and how they rear their children. The following article emphasizes that kids must learn realtional skills from their parents and the quality of those relationship skills will largely determine how well your kids do in life.

The depression and violence among young people concern us all. The pain of families whose children hurt themselves or others causes us deep pain. There are, of course, no instant experts and no instant answers on how to change the situation. However, we do know how children develop the interpersonal and social skills necessary for success in life and that will reduce their need to react inappropriately to disappointments.

The data on reducing children’s problems are clear. Research indicates that we should involve children in church, extra-curricular school activities with caring adults who listen. Structure, discipline, adult role models, hard work and good social skills are the foundation for a secure and happy life. Below we list the skills that are most important for children to know.

Beginning Social skills
1. Listening to other people
2. Preparing for a conversation-focusing on a topic
3. Starting a conversation
4. Carrying out an interactive conversation
5. Asking good questions
6. Saying, thank you
7. Self introduction
8. Introducing other people
9. Offering compliments to others

Advanced Social Skills
10. Asking why
11. Asking for help
12. Joining in with others
13. Giving instructions
14. Following instructions
15. Apologizing
16. Convincing others

Emotional Skills
17. Emotional self knowledge
18. Expressing feelings
19. Understanding others’ feelings
20. Putting self in the place of others
21. Dealing with others’ anger
22. Expressing affection
23. Dealing with fears
24. Rewarding self

Alternatives to aggression
25. Asking permission
26. Sharing with others
27. Helping others
28. Negotiation
29. Self-control
30. Standing up for personal rights
31. Saying no
32. Responding to teasing
33. Avoiding trouble with others
34. Keeping out of fights

Stress Skills
35. Expressing a complaint
36. Answering a complaint
37. Talking after a competition
38. Dealing with embarrassment
39. Dealing with being ignored
40. Resisting group pressure
41. Responding to failure
42. Dealing with false accusation
43. Planning Skills
44. Dealing with boredom
45. Suggesting something to do
46. Finding a problem’s cause
47. Setting a goal
48. Gathering information
49. Prioritizing problems
50. Making decisions
51. Concentrating on a task

Goldstein, A.P., Sherman, M., Gershaw, N.J., Sprafkin, R.P., and Glick. Training Aggressive Youth in Prosocial Behavior, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Vol. 7, No. 1, 1973

Americans Agree: Kids Are Not Being Prepared for Life

Barna Report from October 26, 2004

(Ventura, CA) - The presidential election season has brought to light numerous issues on which the nation’s population is divided. According to a new survey from The Barna Group, however, there is one issue on which most adults agree: the nation’s children are not being adequately prepared for life.

Based on interviews with more than 1000 adults nationwide, the survey discovered that less than one out of every five adults believes that children under the age of 13 are being “superbly” or “pretty well” prepared for life emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually or physically. Fewer than one out of every twenty adults believe that America’s youngsters are receiving above average preparation in all five of those areas of life.

Moral and Spiritual Development Lags the Most

Adults were asked to evaluate how well children under the age of 13 are being prepared for life in each of five dimensions. Using a scale that ranged from “superbly” to “poorly,” half or more of all adults contended that children are “not being prepared well enough” or are “poorly prepared” for the life that awaits them in relation to each of the five dimensions tested.
Adults feel most confident in the intellectual preparation that children receive these days. However, just 18% said kids are prepared “superbly” or “pretty well” in the intellectual dimension. In comparison, half of all adults said kids are “not prepared well enough” or are “poorly prepared” intellectually to effectively grapple with life.

Physical development generated a similar response pattern. One-sixth of adults (16%) felt that children were being superbly or pretty well prepared physically, while a slight majority (54%) felt they were not being prepared well enough or were being poorly prepared physically.
Adults indicated that children are faring somewhat worse in the area of emotional preparation: only 12% gave positive ratings compared 62% offering a negative assessment.

The lowest ratings, however, were reserved for the moral and spiritual preparation of children. Only 8% of adults said kids get better-than-adequate preparation in the spiritual realm, while more than 7-out-of-10 adults (71%) said children get inadequate spiritual training. Similarly, 8% said kids get above average moral preparation while three-fourths said youngsters get inadequate moral preparation.

Reunion

In June we sponsored workshops on consecutive Saturdays to train mature couples how to reach out and help other couples and families. We were sponsored by grants from both the Federal Government and the State of Ohio through Beech Acres Center.

Before the month of September is over we are going to have a dynamic reunion for all the original attendees. We will answer questions, find out what the trainees have been doing or are planning to do to support committed couples and happy families.

Stay tuned for the exact day, date and time as well as the place.

Girls and Suicide

ATLANTA (AP) -- The suicide rate among preteen and young teen girls spiked 76 percent, a disturbing sign that federal health officials say they can't fully explain.
For all young people between ages 10 to 24, the suicide rate rose 8 percent from 2003 to 2004 - the biggest single-year bump in 15 years - in what one official called "a dramatic and huge increase."

The report, based on the latest numbers available, was released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and suggests a troubling reversal in recent trends. Suicide rates had fallen by 28.5 percent since 1990 among young people.

The biggest increase - about 76 percent - was in the suicide rate for 10- to 14-year-old girls. There were 94 suicides in that age group in 2004, compared to 56 in 2003. The rate is still low - fewer than one per 100,000 population.

Suicide rates among older teen girls, those aged 15-19 shot up 32 percent; rates for males in that age group rose 9 percent.

"In surveillance speak, this is a dramatic and huge increase," Dr. Ileana Arias said of the overall picture. She is director of the CDC's National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

More research is needed to determine whether this is a trend or just a blip, said one child psychiatrist, Dr. Thomas Cummins of Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago. "We all need to keep our eye on this over time to see if this is a continuing trend."

Overall, there were 4,599 suicides among young people in 2004, making it the third-leading cause of death, surpassed only by car crashes and homicide, Arias said. Males committed suicide far more often than females, accounting for about three-quarters of suicides in this age group.

By GREG BLUESTEIN Associated Press Writer

Ohio Labor Stats

Study of Ohio's work force by Policy Matters Ohio, a union-backed advocacy group:

Ohio has 2.8 percent fewer jobs, or 158,000, than when a recession began in 2001.

The state has lost almost 21 percent of its manufacturing jobs over that period.

Ohio's gross domestic product grew 22.3 percent between 1990 and 1997 but only 13.3 percent between 1997 and 2006.

Two-parent families increased their working hours by 17 percent between 1979 and 2006 to 3,488 hours a year.

The likelihood of being in a union declined in Ohio from more than one-fourth of workers in 1983 to just over 16 percent in 2006.

Source: Policy Matters Ohio

More pressure on families. We really need to support each other now.

Americans Work a Lot

Yep, we who live in America work an awfully lot. It seems to be part of our DNA and our heritage to put in a lot of hours in the market place.

GENEVA - American workers stay longer in the office, at the factory or on the farm than their counterparts in Europe and most other rich nations, and they produce more per person over the year.

They also get more done per hour than everyone but the Norwegians, according to a U.N. report released today, which said the United States "leads the world in labor productivity."
The average U.S. worker produces $63,885 of wealth per year, more than their counterparts in all other countries, the International Labor Organization said in its report. Ireland comes in second at $55,986, followed by Luxembourg at $55,641, Belgium at $55,235 and France at $54,609.

The productivity figure is found by dividing the country's gross domestic product by the number of people employed. The U.N. report is based on 2006 figures for many countries, or the most recent available.

Only part of the U.S. productivity growth, which has outpaced that of many other developed economies, can be explained by the longer hours Americans are putting in, the ILO said.
The U.S., according to the report, also beats all 27 nations in the European Union, Japan and Switzerland in the amount of wealth created per hour of work - a second key measure of productivity.

When I was in college the professors called it, "The Protestant Work Ethic" and suggested that the root cause of our work obsession was John Calvin's theology. I do not know if it has that root cause but I agree that Americans, by and large, go to work earlier and stay later than any other developed nation in the northern hemisphere.

Our passion for work can be positive or negative. I was so interested in work that for several years I neglected my family. The people I loved most actually suffered because I was so over committed to people I worked for. NOT SO GOOD!

Now I try to keep my life in better balance but it is not easy. I have the kind of personality that sees "Work as play and play as work." So, I have decided to make sure I work at play. Now, Golf is my main work.

Maddening Men and Wild Women

A report from Atlanta shows how even well known ministers can get caught up in the pain of a relationship and end up in a physical conflict. As I explained in my call at the Committed Couples' Workshop at Love and Faith Fellowship last June, when males are over stimulated and angry they tend to with draw from the relationship like a "stone wall". This drives the woman Wild and she tends to pursue him demanding more discussion. This leads to an explosion of emotions.

ATLANTA (FOX 5) -- Atlanta police said Wednesday that well-known television minister, Juanita Bynum, became the victim of domestic abuse after her husband savagely beat her in a hotel parking lot Tuesday night. A relative of Reverend Bynum told FOX 5 News that the Reverend Bynum and her husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks, are in the middle of a separation.

The relative said the two agreed to meet Tuesday night in the dining room of the Renaissance Hotel near Hartsfield-Jackson airport.

The meeting reportedly did not go well and ended with Bishop Weeks leaving abruptly.

The relative said Reverend Bynum followed him to the parking lot where the two exchanged words.
According to an Atlanta Police Department report, that's when Weeks allegedly attacked her। In a statement to police, Reverend Bynum said her husband, Thomas Weeks, "choked her, pushed her down, kicked her and stomped her in the Renaissance parking lot।"

Here is the dangerous scenario. The husband is angry and withdraws to cool down.

The wife is rejected and follows him, demanding that he talk more.

His anger turns into rage and he attacks her.

This type of interaction is repeated thousands of times each day. Here is how we can break the cycle of conflict. When you get mad and emotionally flooded, call a time out. Both must recognize that more talk is impossible. Cool down. Agree before hand to separate until you are calm.

Write for my Cycle of Conflict Management Chart.

gsweeten@cinci.rr.com

Marital Conflict and Iraqi Missiles

Study Shows Decreased Coronary Blood Flow in Some Heart Patients
By Salynn BoylesWebMD Medical News

Reviewed By Louise Chang, MDon Tuesday, March 07, 2006
March 7, 2006 - Mental stress has long been suspected of playing an important role in heart disease, and now new research suggests that this might be true for some patients more than others.

Researchers from the University of Florida found that about a third of the patients with known coronary artery disease in their study experienced decreased coronary blood flow while they were under mental duress, even though they performed well on treadmill stress tests or chemical cardiac stress tests. The coronary arteries supply oxygen-rich blood to the heart muscle itself.

Decreased blood flow to heart muscle -- known medically as cardiac ischemia -- deprives heart muscle of oxygen, which can be a warning for a future heart attack. Ischemia may or may not cause a person to feel chest pain. Physical and chemical stress tests are used to check for ischemia.

Several previous studies by the University of Florida research team indicate that mental stresses are among the most important risk factors for death in heart patients. In one study, the researchers found that for some heart patients, mental stress is as dangerous as smoking cigarettes or having high cholesterol.

"We believe the phenomenon of mental-stress-induced reductions in blood flow to the heart is much more common than has been previously recognized," says researcher David S. Sheps, MD, MSPH.

Measuring Mental Stress

Fourteen men and seven women with coronary artery disease were included in the study, and all of them had a recent negative stress test result, meaning that they showed no evidence of decreased blood flow during a treadmill or chemical stress test. "These would be the people who would generally be believed to have a good prognosis," Sheps tells WebMD.

But when the patients participated in a test designed to measure mental stress, six of the 21 (29%) showed evidence of decreased blood flow. None experienced chest pain during the mental stress test.

All 21 people included in this study had known coronary artery disease, with exercise or chemical stress tests within six months prior that showed no evidence of ischemia. Participants were asked to imagine a stressful situation that was unique to their lives. They were then given two minutes to prepare to deliver a four-minute speech about the situation. Blood pressure was measured and electrocardiograms taken every minute during the speech and for 10 minutes afterward. Heart imaging scans were also performed to check for ischemia.

"The results tend to support [the idea] that mental stress works through a different mechanism than physical stress," Sheps says.

But he is quick to point out that the study says little about the clinical implications of mental-stress-related reductions in blood flow to the heart. The patients in the study, as well as 300 others particip ating in a similarly designed study, will continue to be followed in hopes of answering this question.

The researchers are also conducting a study to determine if efforts to reduce mental stress have an impact on cardiovascular outcomes.

The study was funded by the National Institutes of Health and the drug company Bristol-Myers Squibb and was reported in the March issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

Impact of Wars and Disasters

Mental stress is not officially recognized as a contributing factor in heart disease by many health groups, including the American Heart Association.

While acknowledging that "managing stress makes sense for a person's overall health," it is the AHA's position, a spokeswoman tells WebMD, that there is not yet enough clinical evidence to recommend the use of stress management for the treatment of cardiovascular disease.

There is plenty of anecdotal evidence linking mental stress to heart attacks and sudden death from cardiovascular causes, however, including reports of dramatic rises in such deaths after disasters like Hurricane Katrina, 9/11, and the bombing of Israel during the first Gulf War.

Six months after Hurricane Katrina, it is apparent that many victims died not from the hurricane, but from physical causes brought on by the stresses associated with it.
According to Louis Cataldie, MD, who is acting state medical examiner for Louisiana, a disproportionate number of the roughly 1,300 confirmed Katrina deaths occurred among older people, and most victims did not drown.

In an interview with WebMD, Cataldie confirmed previous news reports that nearly 40% of the victims were over the age of 70. Almost 200 of the victims were evacuees who died outside the state within about a month of the hurricane.

Although the exact cause of death for many Katrina victims will never be known, Cataldie says mental stresses probably played a role in many deaths. "That certainly seems to be the case," he says.

In a 1991 study, researchers in Israel reported a sharp rise in heart attacks and sudden deaths in Tel Aviv during the Iraqi missile attacks of the first Gulf War. They noted that the increase lasted only a few days, after which time the incidence of heart attacks and deaths returned to normal.

SOURCES: Ramachandruni, S., Journal of the American College of Cardiology, March 2006; vol 47: pp 987-991. David S. Sheps, MD, MSPH, professor, associate chairman of cardiovascular medicine, University of Florida College of Medicine and Malcolm Randall Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Gainesville, Fla. Louis Cataldie, MD, Louisiana State Department of Health.
© 2006 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved

Adverse Childhood Events and Adult Diseases

Many parents engage in behavior that is harmful to them but they refuse to change because they rebel at the idea that anybody should tell them to do anything. Even positive ideas about their own health turn them off. However, parents will often change their behavior if they are convinced that it is harmful to the Long term welfare of their children.

A few years ago medical researchers in California were trying to figure out why so many of their most successful weight loss clients were dropping out of the programs they entered to lose weight in the first place. Because they had a host of data about the clients' childhood they noted a remarkable correlation between Adverse Childhood Events and Adult obesity. Upon further research they saw an even more striking set of correlations between ACE and Adult Diseases of all sorts.

Perhaps most striking was the stair step correlations between the number of Adverse Childhood Events and the associated Adult Diseases. For example, if a child grew up without a parent in the home due to divorce, crime, death or prison time the child was likely to experience an adult disease. However, if there was alcoholism, drugs, jail time and divorce making the count be four of five Adverse Events the child would be more likely to experience several Adult diseases.

If you want to insure that your child has a healthy future be sure to stay married, stay sober and stay out of jail.

A TRIP TO BOY HEAVEN

Time Magazine has a great article on raising boys to men. Here is a small part of it.

If The Dangerous Book were a place, it would look like the Falling Creek Camp for Boys in North Carolina--a rustic paradise complete with a rifle range, nearby mountains to climb and a lake complete with swimming dock and rope swing. The choice of activities at the camp is dizzying, from soccer to blacksmithing, from kayaking to watercolors, but no pastime is more popular than building forts of fallen tree limbs and poking at turtles in the creek. Leave your cell phones, laptops and iPods at home.

There I met Margaret Anderson, a pediatric nurse from Nashville and a member of the faculty at Vanderbilt University. She works in the infirmary while her 11-year-old son Gage discovers the woods on multi-day pack trips. "I call this place Boy Heaven," she says.

Falling Creek subscribes to a philosophy of "structured freedom," which is essentially the same philosophy paying dividends among boys at the opposite end of the economic ladder at the Frederick Douglass Academy. It works across the board, says Anderson, and she wishes more of the boys she sees in her busy Nashville practice lived lives of structured freedom too.

"Whether it's urban kids who can't go outside because it's too dangerous or the overscheduled, over parented kids at the other end of the spectrum--I'm worried that boys have lost the chance to play and to explore," Anderson told me. Our society takes a dim view of idle time and casts a skeptical eye on free play--play driven by a boy's curiosity rather than the league schedule or the folks at Nintendo. But listen to Anderson as she lists the virtues of letting boys run themselves occasionally.

"When no one's looming over them, they begin making choices of their own," she says. "They discover consequences and learn to take responsibility for themselves and their emotions. They start learning self-discipline, self-confidence, team building. If we don't let kids work through their own problems, we get a generation of whiners."

That made sense to me. As I watched the boys at Falling Creek do things that would scare me to death if my own son were doing them--hammering white-hot pieces of metal, clinging to a zip line two stories above a lake, examining native rattlesnakes--I didn't notice many whining boys. Yates Pharr, director of Falling Creek, seemed to read my mind. "It's the parents who have the anxieties nowadays, far more than the boys," he said. "We've started posting photographs of each day's activity on our website, and still I'll get complaints if we don't have a picture of every camper every day."

Worrying about our boys--reading and writing books about them, wringing our hands over dire trends and especially taking more time to parent them--is paying off. The next step is to let them really blossom, and for that we have to trust them, give them room. The time for fearing our sons, or fearing for their futures, is behind us. The challenge now is to believe in them. [This article contains charts. Please see hardcopy or pdf.]

Find this article at http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1647452,00.html

Doing the same things and expecting different results

It has been a staple of American thought for decades and fodder for late night TV to summarize a person with bad habits as "insane" because they "Do the same things over and over and expect different results."

After decades of counseling people, especially couples, I have decided that helping people to get out of the rut of bad habits that do not work is quite simple but extremely difficult. It is like telling people to stop eating and writing with the right hand. When I reflexively pick up an item with my right hand I am acting from long habit rather than a conscious decision. That is hard to change.

When a woman viciously attacks the man she loves because he forgot to bring home a gallon of milk on the way work it is habit speaking. She is automatically doing what she has always done and it seems right for her to keep doing it.

But when that habit pattern destroys what she really wants, love, then she needs to stop it and develop a new habit. That seems simple enough but most people look at me as if I had told them to stop gravity when I suggest it.

When a man habitually comes home from work late and is unavailable to help his wife and kids it surely upsets the apple cart. He knows it is a bad habit but he just keeps doing the same thing over and over until his wife and kids are disgusted with him. But when I suggest ways he could be on time he is shocked at the possibility of a change.

Here is a simple formula:

If what you are doing helps you get what you want-keep doing it.

If what you are doing is not working-stop doing it.

In the first year of so of my marriage to Karen I had a great suggestion for how she should wash her hair. (This was in the era of curlers and so forth.)Karen was already fed up with my arrogance and superior airs but this was the last straw. She exploded and, looking around to find something to hit me with that was not fatal, picked up a pile of freshly washed towels and smacked me with them.

That was enough to help me see that telling my wife how to do things was not working!!! (I was pretty smart, eh?) I did not completely stop my long habit of arrogance immediately but over time I have gotten better. Why?? Because it was not working. It did not build peace, harmony and romance in our tiny little apartment in Mt. Vernon, Illinois.

Conflict is inevitable but misery is optional. Stop stuff that causes you and your family misery. "Wise up, son!" as my daddy would say.

Help The Needy

Dope and Dopers

One out of every 12 full-time workers in the United States admit illegal drug use in the past month according to a new survey by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration. Among those who admitted using illegal drugs in the past month:

19.0% were ages 18 to 25
10.3% were ages 26 to 34
7.0% were ages 35 to 49
2.6% were ages 50 to 64

The ways parents relate with each other has a great effect on kids. If you want to promote alcohol and drug abuse by your children make sure you and your spouse also drink and smoke dope. And, fight a lot so your children are very insecure.

Drugs and alcohol are highly correlated with poverty, mental and emotional illness and violence. If you really want to see your kids and grand kids sick, poor and violent you can do it by making a mess of your own life.

Our New Focus

We are in the midst of changing the name and focus of our non-profit organization. It has always been Life Way Inc but in the future shall be called, Sweeten Life Systems.

The old name is too confusing for people. Many get us confused with the Southern Baptists who operate a group with the Lifeway name and others with Life Way Counseling.

So, get used to the new name, Sweeten Life Systems. Sweeten, of course, is my family name and it makes confusion about who this is less likely.

Second, our focus is on Life Systems. Family systems, organizational systems and educational systems. That means we know something about the ways groups act and not just individuals. For example, the way Mom and Dad treat each other and their own parents may have more to do with the way Junior acts than how they treat him directly.

Systemic Thinking goes back many thousands of years. The holy books of the Jews and Christians are primarily written from a systemic perspective. They say, for example, "Honor your father and mother so you will live a long time on this earth." You might ask, "How does my attitude toward my Dad affect my long term health?"

Recent research shows a very clear and very strong correlation between Adverse Childhood Events and later Adult Diseases. In other words, kids who lose a parent to drugs, divorce, prison, etc are much more likely to develop a chronic disease. People whose lives are filled with grief, anger, hurts and bitterness do not live as long as others.

If you are interested in this research, write me at gsweeten@cinci.rr.com

Foolish Freedom of the Press

The New York Times, the once proud "paper of record," has fallen far from its lofty position atop the news media pyramid. It has made some ridiculous claims in recent years but perhaps the most ludicrous was in last Sunday's paper. The article was a review of a book on economics that suggested that people who resisted promiscuous sex were really causing AIDS.

Here is their blurb:

"It's true: AIDS is nature's awful retribution for our tolerance of immoderate and socially irresponsible sexual behavior. The epidemic is the price of our permissive attitudes toward monogamy, chastity, and other forms of extreme sexual conservatism. You've read elsewhere about the sin of promiscuity. Let me tell you about the sin of self-restraint.

Consider Martin, a charming and generally prudent young man with a limited sexual history, who has been gently flirting with his coworker Joan. As last week's office party approached, both Joan and Martin silently and separately entertained the prospect that they just might be going home together. Unfortunately, Fate, through its agents at the Centers for Disease Control, intervened. The morning of the party, Martin happened to notice one of those CDC-sponsored subway ads touting the virtues of abstinence. Chastened, he decided to stay home. In Martin's absence, Joan hooked up with the equally charming but considerably less prudent Maxwell - and Joan got AIDS.

When the cautious Martin withdraws from the mating game, he makes it easier for the reckless Maxwell to prey on the hapless Joan. If those subway ads are more effective against Martin than against Maxwell, they are a threat to Joan's safety. This is especially so when they displace Calvin Klein ads, which might have put Martin in a more socially beneficent mood."

The author, Mr. Landsburg, says: "If multiple partnerships save lives, then monogamy can be deadly. Martin's chastity is a form of pollution -- chastity pollutes the sexual environment by reducing the fraction of relatively safe partners in the dating pool. Factory owners pollute too much because they have to breathe only a fraction of their own pollution; Martin stays home alone too much because he bears only a fraction of the consequences."

I love it. Now I can say that the reason I have flunked my diet is because so many others are failing to eat all the food and leave just enough for me to survive. All those skinny, self controlled folks have led me to be fat against my will.

Anger Inventory

As children, many of us made choices about the way we were going to relate to our feelings. These early decisions may still shape our emotional life today.

Answer the following questions about your childhood experiences with anger. If you didn't grow-up with a mother and/or a father, substitute the name of someone who took care of you as a child.

When my mother got angry, she __________________________________

When my father got angry, he ___________________________________

When __________ another household or family member got angry, he/she

_____________________________________________________________________

When I got angry (as a child), I _____________________________________________

Based on my experiences while growing up, I think that anger is: ____________________________________________________________________

Now, when I get angry, I ___________________________________________

Now, when someone else gets angry with me, I ______________________________________________________________

A Marital Cross Roads

Couples come to a critical path in the road of marital togetherness. If they turn the positive way and travel along that path, the marriage will grow. If not, it will dissolve.

That fork in the road is called, attack or attend. If one of the mates begins to personally attack the other, the marriage is in real danger. If, however, they find a way to attend to each other the marriage will grow. Christian attacks are as traumatic as a non-Christian attack.

This research looks at the changes in a mate's heart rate, breathing and other physical manifestations of anxiety as shown on monitors. It is not based on self-reports or observations. It is very accurate in predicting present and future problems.

Gottman and his colleagues have gathered and sorted data about thousands of marriages. They correlated that data with marital satisfaction and marital disillusion and have a good record at sensing when a couple is in trouble.

I adapted the Gottman information into a simple, seven-point scale, which can be used to assess the level of a couple’s marital stress. The scale is useful for teaching couples how to assess their own level of resiliency or danger. It also offers suggestions for taking appropriate action at each stage of the scale. Gottman’s insights, and my adaptation of it, can be used to prepare couples to avoid the attack marriage and emphasize attending skills.

I presented these materials and discussed my scale at a recent conference in Taiwan. Before the talk, I received a note from a person whose husband had left her for another woman. She asked How do I deal with this man now that we are divorced? Should I allow him to our children? I think he will damage the children. She was thinking like a victim rather than a victor. Such thinking can destroy her and her children.

After seeing the conflict chart, she wrote another note. I now know why my husband wanted to be with someone else. I never gave him a chance to tell his side of things and I attacked him about a lot of issues. Thanks for teaching. I am going to ask him for forgiveness and tell him that he can see the children.

Many see themselves as the innocent parties in a divorce or serious marital conflict. Since they never committed adultery or another gross sin, they perceive themselves to be the good guys and their partners to have been the bad guys. However, the sins of the mouth can be as damaging as the sins of sex to our intimate relationships.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue.