A Marital Cross Roads

Couples come to a critical path in the road of marital togetherness. If they turn the positive way and travel along that path, the marriage will grow. If not, it will dissolve.

That fork in the road is called, attack or attend. If one of the mates begins to personally attack the other, the marriage is in real danger. If, however, they find a way to attend to each other the marriage will grow. Christian attacks are as traumatic as a non-Christian attack.

This research looks at the changes in a mate's heart rate, breathing and other physical manifestations of anxiety as shown on monitors. It is not based on self-reports or observations. It is very accurate in predicting present and future problems.

Gottman and his colleagues have gathered and sorted data about thousands of marriages. They correlated that data with marital satisfaction and marital disillusion and have a good record at sensing when a couple is in trouble.

I adapted the Gottman information into a simple, seven-point scale, which can be used to assess the level of a couple’s marital stress. The scale is useful for teaching couples how to assess their own level of resiliency or danger. It also offers suggestions for taking appropriate action at each stage of the scale. Gottman’s insights, and my adaptation of it, can be used to prepare couples to avoid the attack marriage and emphasize attending skills.

I presented these materials and discussed my scale at a recent conference in Taiwan. Before the talk, I received a note from a person whose husband had left her for another woman. She asked How do I deal with this man now that we are divorced? Should I allow him to our children? I think he will damage the children. She was thinking like a victim rather than a victor. Such thinking can destroy her and her children.

After seeing the conflict chart, she wrote another note. I now know why my husband wanted to be with someone else. I never gave him a chance to tell his side of things and I attacked him about a lot of issues. Thanks for teaching. I am going to ask him for forgiveness and tell him that he can see the children.

Many see themselves as the innocent parties in a divorce or serious marital conflict. Since they never committed adultery or another gross sin, they perceive themselves to be the good guys and their partners to have been the bad guys. However, the sins of the mouth can be as damaging as the sins of sex to our intimate relationships.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue.